Well, my first baby, it's been a decade.
Could it possibly be that you are double digits? It blows my mind. You are so tall and so mature and grown up and yet, I remember, very vividly, how you felt in my arms when you were a tiny baby. Maybe this is the conundrum of motherhood.
Like all your brothers, you were the first to have a silly nickname (and I think your dad might still use it every once in a while if I know him) -- you were always Buster Brown. In fact, for our wedding (your dad and I's), I looked everywhere for Buster Brown shoes for you to wear (and I found them)...and still have them.
You were a surprise. You will always know that, I'm sure. However, you were a surprise that changed my life and my mind and my personality and just about everything about me. Your little life (at that time) changed me into a mother. Although I was a student and an employee, you came first.
This will embarrass you, I'm sure, but I was so committed to breast-feeding you till you were one that I carried my tiny battery-powered breast pump all over campus with ice packs in my backpack so that I could pump between classes when I was away from you for too long. There are some stories about that -- I will wait and tell your future wife when you have children of your own.
You, Robbie, are a very special child. I don't believe it's because of me, or your dad, or anyone. I think you were born that way -- with the ability to empathize and feel things that other people feel. Sometimes you will hate this ability but it will ALWAYS and I mean FOREVER serve you well in your relationships with other people, be they your guy friends or your significant others. You have a sensitive heart and I love that about you.
Sometimes I wish I could take away some of your intuition so you didn't always know how I feel and feel it too. But, that would mean changing the essence of who you are so I will hold on to the thought that rocks that have strong water run over them become smooth and polished and brilliant. I have no doubt that you will be a beautiful soul because you already are.
You are my questioning child. You want to know the
real
answer for everything. I admire that about you. (And the real secret is, I was the same way and drove my teachers crazy).
However, you are also the most teachable child I've ever met. I love watching you with your teachers and coaches. I feel so proud at the boy you have become.
You have a fabulous personality, Robbie, and it will get you places. Make sure they are places you want to be. You have a lot of influence over your peers. Use it for good. (I think that's a Star Wars reference).
I know that I am hard on you, darling boy. I'm sorry. I try to remember that you are only a boy. I will keep trying. I expect so much of you because I know how smart and capable and willing you are to learn. You are going to be an amazing person, Robbie, and you will change your world.
I love you, Robbie. My firstborn, the child who introduced me to true, unconditional love.
Happy Birthday.
Love,
Mom
