To Jake, Love Auntie CoCo

Again, a letter from my sister, a real, handwritten letter that needs to be preserved.

Jake --

You and I have always shared a special connection - as silly as it may sound - I think part of me is in your heart and part of you is in my heart. I know that there are times you have been sad lately and I want you to know how much I love you. You are my forever buddy!

Just a few reasons I love Jake:

1. Your smile always makes me smile.

2. You take such good care of Katie and Carter and always make sure they are safe. Thank you, Jake!

3. You are very good at sharing toys with your cousins. They always have so much fun with you.

4. You are perfectly you and no one else could ever replace you.

I LOVE YOU JAKE!

Auntie CoCo

To Robbie, Love Auntie CoCo

I will always save these letters, handwritten by my dear sister but I wanted to put them here so they are more permanent.

Robbie,

I know that lately things have seemed kinda hard and I want you to know how much I love you. If you ever need to talk to me -- you can call me anytime you want. You are so special!

Just a few reasons why I love Robbie:
1. You take very good care of your brothers and always hug them when they need it most.

2. You love your family so much sometimes I think your heart is as big as the ocean.

3. You were my first nephew and when I found out you had been born, I cried, I was so happy!

4. You are very very smart.

I love you Robbie!

Auntie CoCo

A Letter to a Bereaved Family by Ram Dass....

When I was a newly bereaved parent, I was lost. I didn't sleep at nights. I surfed the internet looking for -- *warning* -- pictures of dead babies. Why???? you ask...
Well, because I couldn't look at the pictures of my own dead little girl because I was terrified that she would "look dead." I wanted to remember the way she felt in my arms and how beautiful she looked to me when she was born. During one of these long, lonely, desperate nights, I found KotaPress and Kara. Kara is a bereaved mom who is the person who saved my life. Don't confuse the real people who were there for me...my sisters made life liveable. But, in the middle of the night when I didn't understand how to navigate the waters of losing my baby, Kara was there. It did help that she was on Pacific time. I communicated with Kara via e-mail and through a yahoo group for years. I got through my first Christmas, my first Mother's Day, my first every holiday that year and then the first anniversary of her birth and death. The following letter is read by a bereaved mom in a DVD called "Fierce Grace." Kara posted it on our yahoo group Nov. 1st, 2004. I still have the original print-out because it had such a huge impact on me...

Dear Melanie [I have substituted my name and my daughter's name for the original family's because it helps me],

Lily finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.

I can't assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Lily's legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.

Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength.

Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Lily, and thank her for being with you for these past months, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience. In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet, you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.

Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts -- if we can keep them open to God -- will find their own intuitive way. Lily came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free and the the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.

In love,
Ram Dass

Some people...

are special.

When you meet them, it leaves a mark on you. Mind you, I have met people who leave not so nice marks -- a few of them actually -- but I have had the honor of meeting many more who leave beautiful marks on me, marks that can never be removed.

Deb Hepler was one of those people.

I remember the first time I met her. She recognized me because I look like my sister -- NO, WAIT! my sister looks like me, damn it! I digress...she saw my sister in me and we talked for an hour. and it seemed like 5 minutes, or 5 hours of wisdom. She asked me all about my boys until I was embarrassed and felt like I was talking too much about them. She asked me about me and my hopes and dreams and what I wanted to do with my life and my passions. Little did I know, she was an endless resource of how to go about living my life to the fullest.

Mama Deb was and will always be an inspiration to me. She is a TRUE person. She is someone who will meet the children of her son's girlfriend's sister (straighten that out -- try!) and treat them as her own family. She is someone who will hold KJ on her lap during fireworks (KJ HATES fireworks -- and I don't blame her after her umpteen days in the NICU) and comfort her and sit inside and sing the same song over and over in her ear so she would be distracted. Mama Deb never let pain show on her face when I was with her. Mama Deb made the greatest fresh mozzarella, fresh tomato and basil salad I've ever tasted. Mama Deb knew what it was like to have family.

Listening to her sisters talk about her...I was instantly transported to my funeral...to one of my sister's funerals and it was all I could do to hold Katie on my lap and hear her say "I want my Mommy" and I simply replied, "I do, too." I never want to be in that position, speaking at my sisters' funerals, but if I have the honor of celebrating their lives - I will remember the phrase always -- because that's what sisters do.

Maybe you wonder why I call Mama Deb...Mama Deb. Because her greatest contribution to my life is the gift she gave my neice and nephew and my sister and her Eric. She made an indelible impression on them. Thank you, Mama Deb.

Selfishly, you are my hero. I want to be like you when I grow up.

Unselfishly, well, I'm not quite that far yet.


Maybe they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy." -- Eskimo proverb

My Boys...

It is amazing that three children, all with the same DNA, as close as any people can be, can be as different as these kids are. I think every mom is amazed by this ridiculously obvious detail of mothering.

My Robbie is a challenger...a poet...a sportsman...he has a very tender heart...he's a bit Dr. Doolittle...and he loves pink.

My Jake is a pleaser...amazing at math...hilarious and not because he tries...extremely good-looking and has no idea...loves his brothers to the very bottom of his heart and ALWAYS asks me how my day was.

My Brady is a baby...and always will be...he adores his brothers...reads chapter books and does multiplication...is way too smart for his own good...yet still sucks his thumb and needs his Spongebob pillow to sleep...has the most beautiful eyes...and will still ask "to hold me."

I am a blessed woman.

Wondering...

I'm sure a lot of people think that I do things the difficult way. Why would I leave my husband, a man who keeps my family financially secure by flying planes, my home that I built, my yard with my trees and lilies and move my children into an apartment half the size and struggle to pay my bills? Well, alcohol is the answer to all of that. And, I decided that my kids would be my priority. What is best for them? What do I want them to learn? Who do I want them to be?

Sometimes I fail (okay, a lot of times I fail), but somehow I manage to have these amazing, beautiful children who have beautiful souls as well. Thanks to Jake's football coach's wife, Faith Hoskins, I was able to get affordable pics taken of me and my boys. My life. My reason.

Robbie Birthday Ten

Well, my first baby, it's been a decade.

Could it possibly be that you are double digits? It blows my mind. You are so tall and so mature and grown up and yet, I remember, very vividly, how you felt in my arms when you were a tiny baby. Maybe this is the conundrum of motherhood.

Like all your brothers, you were the first to have a silly nickname (and I think your dad might still use it every once in a while if I know him) -- you were always Buster Brown. In fact, for our wedding (your dad and I's), I looked everywhere for Buster Brown shoes for you to wear (and I found them)...and still have them.

You were a surprise. You will always know that, I'm sure. However, you were a surprise that changed my life and my mind and my personality and just about everything about me. Your little life (at that time) changed me into a mother. Although I was a student and an employee, you came first.

This will embarrass you, I'm sure, but I was so committed to breast-feeding you till you were one that I carried my tiny battery-powered breast pump all over campus with ice packs in my backpack so that I could pump between classes when I was away from you for too long. There are some stories about that -- I will wait and tell your future wife when you have children of your own.

You, Robbie, are a very special child. I don't believe it's because of me, or your dad, or anyone. I think you were born that way -- with the ability to empathize and feel things that other people feel. Sometimes you will hate this ability but it will ALWAYS and I mean FOREVER serve you well in your relationships with other people, be they your guy friends or your significant others. You have a sensitive heart and I love that about you.

Sometimes I wish I could take away some of your intuition so you didn't always know how I feel and feel it too. But, that would mean changing the essence of who you are so I will hold on to the thought that rocks that have strong water run over them become smooth and polished and brilliant. I have no doubt that you will be a beautiful soul because you already are.

You are my questioning child. You want to know the real answer for everything. I admire that about you. (And the real secret is, I was the same way and drove my teachers crazy).

However, you are also the most teachable child I've ever met. I love watching you with your teachers and coaches. I feel so proud at the boy you have become.

You have a fabulous personality, Robbie, and it will get you places. Make sure they are places you want to be. You have a lot of influence over your peers. Use it for good. (I think that's a Star Wars reference).

I know that I am hard on you, darling boy. I'm sorry. I try to remember that you are only a boy. I will keep trying. I expect so much of you because I know how smart and capable and willing you are to learn. You are going to be an amazing person, Robbie, and you will change your world.

I love you, Robbie. My firstborn, the child who introduced me to true, unconditional love.

Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mom