I love you, jake.

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To Jake...Birthday Eight

Dearest Jakie...

Funny story: your football coach (whom you have had for this, your fourth year of football), makes fun of me for calling you Jakie when I'm cheering you on while you're playing football or baseball. I don't mind...that's what you are to me, my sweet Jakie. When you were much littler, you were Bubbaroo...and even sometimes BubbarooHead. Both of those you can blame on your dad...I have no idea where they came from (kind of like Britches Box).

You, my sensitive, sweet, emotional child are so dear to my heart because you are so much like my sister, your auntie CoCo. And lest she tell you differently, she has such a soft spot for you for the same reasons. I can't tell you how many times she has saved you from getting in bunches of trouble by reminding me that you aren't me and you aren't Robbie, you are our special Jakie.

I am constantly amazed at how brilliant you are and how hard you try at things you really want. I hope you will keep those qualities as you get older. One thing I will always remember is when you made your own caterpillar book and it was called "The Emotions of a Caterpillar." I'm sure it was, in part, your way of telling me how you felt as your life was changing so mightily around you. I got it, my sweet Jakie.

You have so many strengths, Jake. You are very handsome (too handsome, really), you are very nice, you are very compliant, you are very smart and you are athletic. You see things very clearly without the complication of crazy emotions. I am proud of you for these things. I know that often you feel anxious or misunderstood. I'm sorry, honey, if I have ever been the contributor to these feelings.

I hope as you grow up, you know you can always talk to me about anything you are feeling...even if your root beer has a question.

I am sorry for all that I have put you through these past few years...really since I was pregnant with your sister. Remember, always, that I adore you, that your brothers adore you and that they are your most faithful advocates.

You are a beautiful child, Jake, inside and out. I am proud of you.

Happy eighth birthday, Jacob Bailey Harris.
Love Always,
Mommy

How you know you should be divorced..

1. It's your wedding anniversary and you don't give a shit. In fact, you think you probably should at least partly care, and you still can't even work up an iota of caring.

2. You look at your children and only see yourself because seeing your ex would be so reprehensible, it would destroy you.

3. You and your ex still can't speak to each other without using profanity and calling awful names.

4. Your ex is still doing exactly what he did that caused you to divorce him (drinking in excess like a fish).

5. Being alone is an okay proposition in contrast to being with your ex.

6. When you look at him, you think..."I slept with him for eight years...what the hell was I thinking?"

7. You dream that his girlfriend stays with him forever because she's stable and probably a better influence on the kids than he is.

8. Your entire family confesses that they hated him your entire marriage.

9. Your children won't talk to their dad about being mad at him because they seem him s rarely, they're scared to make him mad.

10. You actually feel like yourself...like the shadow of who you are is starting to become a real person, not something you have to sew back on.

Today would have been 9 years. Thank the stars above, it wasn't.

and i thought...

i was happy. i was wrong.

nowi am happy.