Some people...

are special.

When you meet them, it leaves a mark on you. Mind you, I have met people who leave not so nice marks -- a few of them actually -- but I have had the honor of meeting many more who leave beautiful marks on me, marks that can never be removed.

Deb Hepler was one of those people.

I remember the first time I met her. She recognized me because I look like my sister -- NO, WAIT! my sister looks like me, damn it! I digress...she saw my sister in me and we talked for an hour. and it seemed like 5 minutes, or 5 hours of wisdom. She asked me all about my boys until I was embarrassed and felt like I was talking too much about them. She asked me about me and my hopes and dreams and what I wanted to do with my life and my passions. Little did I know, she was an endless resource of how to go about living my life to the fullest.

Mama Deb was and will always be an inspiration to me. She is a TRUE person. She is someone who will meet the children of her son's girlfriend's sister (straighten that out -- try!) and treat them as her own family. She is someone who will hold KJ on her lap during fireworks (KJ HATES fireworks -- and I don't blame her after her umpteen days in the NICU) and comfort her and sit inside and sing the same song over and over in her ear so she would be distracted. Mama Deb never let pain show on her face when I was with her. Mama Deb made the greatest fresh mozzarella, fresh tomato and basil salad I've ever tasted. Mama Deb knew what it was like to have family.

Listening to her sisters talk about her...I was instantly transported to my funeral...to one of my sister's funerals and it was all I could do to hold Katie on my lap and hear her say "I want my Mommy" and I simply replied, "I do, too." I never want to be in that position, speaking at my sisters' funerals, but if I have the honor of celebrating their lives - I will remember the phrase always -- because that's what sisters do.

Maybe you wonder why I call Mama Deb...Mama Deb. Because her greatest contribution to my life is the gift she gave my neice and nephew and my sister and her Eric. She made an indelible impression on them. Thank you, Mama Deb.

Selfishly, you are my hero. I want to be like you when I grow up.

Unselfishly, well, I'm not quite that far yet.


Maybe they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy." -- Eskimo proverb

My Boys...

It is amazing that three children, all with the same DNA, as close as any people can be, can be as different as these kids are. I think every mom is amazed by this ridiculously obvious detail of mothering.

My Robbie is a challenger...a poet...a sportsman...he has a very tender heart...he's a bit Dr. Doolittle...and he loves pink.

My Jake is a pleaser...amazing at math...hilarious and not because he tries...extremely good-looking and has no idea...loves his brothers to the very bottom of his heart and ALWAYS asks me how my day was.

My Brady is a baby...and always will be...he adores his brothers...reads chapter books and does multiplication...is way too smart for his own good...yet still sucks his thumb and needs his Spongebob pillow to sleep...has the most beautiful eyes...and will still ask "to hold me."

I am a blessed woman.

Wondering...

I'm sure a lot of people think that I do things the difficult way. Why would I leave my husband, a man who keeps my family financially secure by flying planes, my home that I built, my yard with my trees and lilies and move my children into an apartment half the size and struggle to pay my bills? Well, alcohol is the answer to all of that. And, I decided that my kids would be my priority. What is best for them? What do I want them to learn? Who do I want them to be?

Sometimes I fail (okay, a lot of times I fail), but somehow I manage to have these amazing, beautiful children who have beautiful souls as well. Thanks to Jake's football coach's wife, Faith Hoskins, I was able to get affordable pics taken of me and my boys. My life. My reason.

Robbie Birthday Ten

Well, my first baby, it's been a decade.

Could it possibly be that you are double digits? It blows my mind. You are so tall and so mature and grown up and yet, I remember, very vividly, how you felt in my arms when you were a tiny baby. Maybe this is the conundrum of motherhood.

Like all your brothers, you were the first to have a silly nickname (and I think your dad might still use it every once in a while if I know him) -- you were always Buster Brown. In fact, for our wedding (your dad and I's), I looked everywhere for Buster Brown shoes for you to wear (and I found them)...and still have them.

You were a surprise. You will always know that, I'm sure. However, you were a surprise that changed my life and my mind and my personality and just about everything about me. Your little life (at that time) changed me into a mother. Although I was a student and an employee, you came first.

This will embarrass you, I'm sure, but I was so committed to breast-feeding you till you were one that I carried my tiny battery-powered breast pump all over campus with ice packs in my backpack so that I could pump between classes when I was away from you for too long. There are some stories about that -- I will wait and tell your future wife when you have children of your own.

You, Robbie, are a very special child. I don't believe it's because of me, or your dad, or anyone. I think you were born that way -- with the ability to empathize and feel things that other people feel. Sometimes you will hate this ability but it will ALWAYS and I mean FOREVER serve you well in your relationships with other people, be they your guy friends or your significant others. You have a sensitive heart and I love that about you.

Sometimes I wish I could take away some of your intuition so you didn't always know how I feel and feel it too. But, that would mean changing the essence of who you are so I will hold on to the thought that rocks that have strong water run over them become smooth and polished and brilliant. I have no doubt that you will be a beautiful soul because you already are.

You are my questioning child. You want to know the real answer for everything. I admire that about you. (And the real secret is, I was the same way and drove my teachers crazy).

However, you are also the most teachable child I've ever met. I love watching you with your teachers and coaches. I feel so proud at the boy you have become.

You have a fabulous personality, Robbie, and it will get you places. Make sure they are places you want to be. You have a lot of influence over your peers. Use it for good. (I think that's a Star Wars reference).

I know that I am hard on you, darling boy. I'm sorry. I try to remember that you are only a boy. I will keep trying. I expect so much of you because I know how smart and capable and willing you are to learn. You are going to be an amazing person, Robbie, and you will change your world.

I love you, Robbie. My firstborn, the child who introduced me to true, unconditional love.

Happy Birthday.

Love,
Mom

I love you, jake.

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To Jake...Birthday Eight

Dearest Jakie...

Funny story: your football coach (whom you have had for this, your fourth year of football), makes fun of me for calling you Jakie when I'm cheering you on while you're playing football or baseball. I don't mind...that's what you are to me, my sweet Jakie. When you were much littler, you were Bubbaroo...and even sometimes BubbarooHead. Both of those you can blame on your dad...I have no idea where they came from (kind of like Britches Box).

You, my sensitive, sweet, emotional child are so dear to my heart because you are so much like my sister, your auntie CoCo. And lest she tell you differently, she has such a soft spot for you for the same reasons. I can't tell you how many times she has saved you from getting in bunches of trouble by reminding me that you aren't me and you aren't Robbie, you are our special Jakie.

I am constantly amazed at how brilliant you are and how hard you try at things you really want. I hope you will keep those qualities as you get older. One thing I will always remember is when you made your own caterpillar book and it was called "The Emotions of a Caterpillar." I'm sure it was, in part, your way of telling me how you felt as your life was changing so mightily around you. I got it, my sweet Jakie.

You have so many strengths, Jake. You are very handsome (too handsome, really), you are very nice, you are very compliant, you are very smart and you are athletic. You see things very clearly without the complication of crazy emotions. I am proud of you for these things. I know that often you feel anxious or misunderstood. I'm sorry, honey, if I have ever been the contributor to these feelings.

I hope as you grow up, you know you can always talk to me about anything you are feeling...even if your root beer has a question.

I am sorry for all that I have put you through these past few years...really since I was pregnant with your sister. Remember, always, that I adore you, that your brothers adore you and that they are your most faithful advocates.

You are a beautiful child, Jake, inside and out. I am proud of you.

Happy eighth birthday, Jacob Bailey Harris.
Love Always,
Mommy

How you know you should be divorced..

1. It's your wedding anniversary and you don't give a shit. In fact, you think you probably should at least partly care, and you still can't even work up an iota of caring.

2. You look at your children and only see yourself because seeing your ex would be so reprehensible, it would destroy you.

3. You and your ex still can't speak to each other without using profanity and calling awful names.

4. Your ex is still doing exactly what he did that caused you to divorce him (drinking in excess like a fish).

5. Being alone is an okay proposition in contrast to being with your ex.

6. When you look at him, you think..."I slept with him for eight years...what the hell was I thinking?"

7. You dream that his girlfriend stays with him forever because she's stable and probably a better influence on the kids than he is.

8. Your entire family confesses that they hated him your entire marriage.

9. Your children won't talk to their dad about being mad at him because they seem him s rarely, they're scared to make him mad.

10. You actually feel like yourself...like the shadow of who you are is starting to become a real person, not something you have to sew back on.

Today would have been 9 years. Thank the stars above, it wasn't.

and i thought...

i was happy. i was wrong.

nowi am happy.

I have sisters...

And that makes me one of the luckiest human beings on the planet. These sisters are beautiful, intelligent, brave, funny, tall, different from each other and me, loving, adventurous, supportive, and faithful.

I have watched both of my baby sisters go through things that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy...and yet, they are more beautiful souls today. I have put my sisters through losing their neice and yet they don't blame me, they simply love me when I need loved and remember my Lily when I most need her remembered.

I imagine the future...us growing old together and becoming secure in ourselves and our choices...the lines growing on our faces and the ties between us getting stronger and stronger. We are sisters who cannot be torn apart by petty fights or disagreements. We love each other unconditionally. What more could a human being ask for?

I am lucky.

For you, Brady bug.

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Brady...Birthday Five.

Dearest BritchBox...

I will begin with why we call you that silly name...honestly, I have NO idea. Your daddy always nicknamed all of you when you were very, very little. So, you can thank him when I bring up your baby nickname at your highschool graduation, ok?

You started as a hope, a dream, a wish that I could have a living baby again. I dared to hope that you would be the "boy who lived." Yes, that is a Harry Potter reference. Honestly, the majority of the time I you lived inside me, I was pretty darn sure that I was doing you more harm than good. That's what I believed about my body because of your big sister's death. But, through all of the scares, the doctor's appointments, and the stupid things people said...you came...too small for this world and not quite ready for it, but you were here and you were alive. Your little heart beat and beat and beat. And that's all I cared about. I remember the NICU team being there, waiting for you to arrive, I remember them wisking you away VERY quickly because you didn't want to breathe. I remember only being relieved. Relieved because you were alive. And, just so you know, you were a beautiful baby. I didn't get to touch you for 24 hours. I hope you don't remember those hours, somewhere deep in your psyche. Know that I sat outside your incubator, hoping on hope and every thing I could think of, that you would be okay. There were so many people hoping the same thing. Your brothers came to see you, your dad was always there, your grandparents, and your Auntie CoCo, my rock in the midst of all of it. Your Auntie Britty worried more than she will ever let on and you were held, without the help of hands or arms, in so many people's thoughts.

Now you are five. It is so hard to believe. I see you become the person you will be...a precocious, intelligent, attractive, charismatic boy. I watch you grow up (literally) and grow up mentally -- as you continue to amaze me with your intelligence. Things come easy to you, Brady darling, that doesn't mean that everything is easy. Some things are hard, but they are worth doing.

I feel like I should apologize for all you have been through in the past few years. It has been a rough roller coaster to ride and I wish SO much that I could have taken you off of it. I hope it will make you a better man, a better partner, a better person. I hope you will always know that your Mommy loves you more than she loves herself.

Honey, be thankful for your brothers and even for your sister in heaven. They are closer to you (in DNA) and in thought than anyone will ever be. If you learn anything from me, learn that your siblings are your lifeline through life's most difficult challenges.

You will always be my magic miracle, my child who sparkles. No matter how much you have been through at such a young age, I know that you will always be my happy Brady. My snuggle kid, the little one who gives me kisses when I need them most. I vow to always put you and your brothers first, because, frankly, you came first.

Life will change and you will learn that Mommy will make mistakes. I'm sorry. But I love you, unconditionally and forever.

Invisible Ink

"You signed no contract to become a parent, but the responsibilities were written in invisible ink. There was a point when you had to support [remember] your child when you one else would." --Jodi Piccoult "The Tenth Circle"


In memory of Lily born and died April 16th, 2003

This is me...

Being positive.

This is me, doing things that don't come easily to me.

This to me, trusting people. Fallible, imperfect people.

This is me knowing who really loves me, who really would do anything for me.

And, most of all, this is to me, knowing who the most important people in my life are.

Here are just a few...

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

This is what he says when I say I don't want to be friends. I don't want to talk to him or hear his voice on the other end of the phone. I don't even want to read his words.

He says that he loved me more than he has ever loved any woman. Does real love end? I don't think so. Love is patient, it waits for things to change, love is kind -- it makes you make concessions you can't believe you're making, love does not boast, it is not envious, it is not jealous. Love forgives all. Have I ever had this love? This perfect love? Yes, I have sisters.

This is what I have to say.

If you have gold, don't fucking throw it away. It's worth something. It's worth a lot and you don't find it often. So if you throw it away, suck it up and realize you fucked up and don't be so selfish that you ignore the gold's wishes and pleadings. Because, frankly, the gold is worth more than that. And probably worth more than you.

A Day for Dad...

But it turned out to be so much more. Coco and I didn't have our kids (being that we are divorcees now and our kids were with their dads), so we trekked to our baby sister (who clearly isn't a baby anymore and her partner, Mark's home) for dinner and wine and darts and my overwhelming sarcasm.

But, as it goes with family, everything is accepted and overlooked (even while they're calling you out on it). These are 5 people in my life that I'm pretty sure love me as unconditionally as anyone has.

To honor my dad is important. He has given of himself when he didn't have much to give, he has taught me things I didn't think I wanted to know. Most of all, he has tried, always, his hardest. And I can't say that about some people.

I am so proud of my babiest sister for being a lovely host, for making her own wine (which was yummy) and for generally putting up with me.

Moving on...

You know...there are so many times when we think what we're doing is right. We think the sacrifices we make are justified, that the glaring errors we see can be overlooked. It's easy to look into the eyes of someone you have genuinely fallen in love with and lose all ability to reason. I did that. I gave until there was no more to give, I loved until he didn't want my love anymore. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Believe me, I know that feeling. I've felt that way my entire life. But I don't believe in being the victim (despite what he says), so I'll take responsibility for my part. I wasn't perfect, not even close. But I did love as perfectly as I could.

There are people in my life who will never be capable of thinking of anyone but themselves. That's okay. That isn't my responsiblity. It is my responsibility to be a compassionate, capable woman, a loving, nurturing mother, a supportive sister, a spoiling aunt and, as much as I can, a good daughter. I will do that.

I won't stop loving because loving is difficult and painful and leaves marks. One day, I will find the man my heart longs for...a partner in this life and the next.

Thank you, MT, for teaching me this. For telling me that I am beautiful, for adoring me for a small period of time.

Because of my sister

I am a better person.

I am more confident.

I am a better mother.

I have Katie and Carter.

I am a better writer.

I am blogging.

Well, I've done it. Now let's see what happens.