I am a phoenix after all....

Rise up from despair and disappointment
like a Phoenix Bird from the ashes,
for a new day has come and, with it,
new opportunities and the prospect
of better tomorrows. --Garcia (art as well)


My last post about my graduation wasn't so uplifting, I know. Maybe I was just in a not so great place...maybe a little shaded by other things and people in my life but the closer I get to walking across a stage to receive my masters degree, the more I realize what I have achieved. I realized today while filling out an application that I got laid off from my job of 7 years...and most of children's lives in July of 2007. A great job...a job I worked for the majority from home and never had to put my kids in daycare (although, arguably...a daycare may have taken better care of them at times) and then I filed for divorce and then I became a single mother of four (three alive, I know) with only unemployment to live on. That was not a very good summer. Seriously.

So I embarked on a new career...I became a paralegal for my best friend from high school's husband. I learned an entirely new world...the world of criminal defense and I fell in love so I waited and waited and I finally got a really low-paying full-time job at the Marion County Public Defender Agency/Juvenile Division in October of 2008. That very same (NOT SANE) month, I began school full time to get my masters. Learning how to work full time in a corporate environment and NOT in a hippie health food store was challenging (to say the least).

And now it's May and it's 2010 and I'm Melanie Harris, M.A. -- I love being a juvenile division paralegal and I need to find a job that pays more than a juvenile division paralegal. Change is bad for me...it's tough...it sucks...BUT I think that the change ahead of me is good. I have more education (and more debt), my kids are growing into really great versions of themselves, and I have become a very different person than I was in July of 2007. I have risen from my proverbial ashes and sometimes, sometimes, (not very often)....I feel as if my tail feathers might be beautiful purples and blues and greens...that I can do anything I want and that life is, or at least will be, grand.

That is me. Full of hope for the future today. I will treasure that because it won't last. And that's okay, too, because that's just me.

school...

Surprisingly enough...I don't feel a bit differently since I've finished my masters studies. Maybe I won't really graduate and that's why...I know that's really not a viable option...I'm not quite sure why I'm stuck on it. I thought for sure that I would have some kind of epiphany...that I would know exactly what I want to do and be. I thought I would have an inherent sense of pride. I don't. I still don't feel that I've done enough.

What is this aching in me that says it's never good enough? Why do I always have to try or be or do one more thing? Am I teaching that overwhelming lesson to my kids?? Dear God, please don't let me teach that to them.

Why is there always a nasty wind at my back that says...move...move...keep moving...it's not enough...it's not enough...

I hope other people don't feel this way. Honestly.

Melanie Taylor Harris, M.A.

Juicy Pear Jelly Bellies...

make me happy.

so do days in my comfy bed.

jodi piccoult makes me happy that i have to have a pencil to read her books just in case i come across a phrase that hits me so hard i gasp.

seeing how my children react to failing or succeeding makes me a bitter happy.

an entire day with just my sisters.

clean houses make me happy.

oh, fireplaces, definitely fireplaces.

KJ and Carter.

DMB.

going to sleep next to my love.

shoes, shoes, shoes.

really, really making a difference.

sewing.

flowers.

the bittersweetness of spring.

Happy?

someone once told me
that you have to choose
what you win or lose
you cant have everything
dont you take chances
you might feel the pain
dont you love in vain
cause love wont set you free
i could stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
so unhappy but safe as could be

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy, yea
just wanna be happy, yea

holding on tightly
just cant let it go
just tryna play my roll
slowly diasappear, oooh
well all these tears
they feel like theyre the same
just different faces, different names
get me outta here
well i can stand by the side
and watch this life pass me by
pass me by

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about other pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy
oooh

so any turns that i cant see
ill count a stranger on this road
but don’t say victim
dont say anythng

so what if it hurts me
so what if i break down
so what if this world just throws me off the edge
my feet run out of ground
i gotta find my place
i wanna hear my sound
dont care about all the pain infront of me
cause im just tryna be happy
just wanna be happy

The Day of Love, 2010

Come to me now
And lay your hands over me
Even if it's a lie
Say it will be alright
And I shall believe
I'm broken in two
And I know you're on to me
That I only come home
When I'm so all alone
But I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly you won't give up on me
And I shall believe
And I shall believe

Open the door
And show me your face tonight
I know it's true
No one heals me like you
And you hold the key

Never again
would I turn away from you
I'm so heavy tonight
But your love is alright
And I do believe

That not everything is gonna be the way
You think it ought to be
It seems like every time I try to make it right
It all comes down on me
Please say honestly
You won't give up on me
And I shall believe
I shall believe

Just one reason not to read your 10 year old's journal...

Okay, I know...it's an invasion of privacy, blah, blah, blah. I wasn't going to beat him with information, I just wanted to make sure he wasn't experimenting with meth, you know? 10 year olds are mysterious creatures, seriously. They start getting very quiet, and moody, and scarily, well -- quiet. But, no meth use...just a crush on an unrequited love and well, this:

I heard Lily today. I woke up trembling and crying hoping it was Lily.

It's that time of year, people. Lily's almost 7.

To Brady From Auntie CoCo

A letter handwritten in different colored ink, in beautiful penmanship...I will be the mother of the year if my boys can produce these letters at their darkest moments to remember that their Aunt adores them...

Brady --

You first cry when you were born made me cry. I have been thankful every single day of your life for the joy you have brought into my life. I love you so much Brady. If you ever need just a hug -- you can always hug me. That's how much I love you and more!

Just a few reasons I love Brady:

1. You have the prettiest eyes I have ever seen. (I think they came from heaven).

2. You always play with KJ even when you don't feel like it sometimes. AND -- you share your games.

3. You love your mommy very much and that makes Auntie CoCo very happy!

4. Just because you are YOU! (and I think that is pretty special).

I LOVE YOU BRADY!

Auntie CoCo

To Jake, Love Auntie CoCo

Again, a letter from my sister, a real, handwritten letter that needs to be preserved.

Jake --

You and I have always shared a special connection - as silly as it may sound - I think part of me is in your heart and part of you is in my heart. I know that there are times you have been sad lately and I want you to know how much I love you. You are my forever buddy!

Just a few reasons I love Jake:

1. Your smile always makes me smile.

2. You take such good care of Katie and Carter and always make sure they are safe. Thank you, Jake!

3. You are very good at sharing toys with your cousins. They always have so much fun with you.

4. You are perfectly you and no one else could ever replace you.

I LOVE YOU JAKE!

Auntie CoCo

To Robbie, Love Auntie CoCo

I will always save these letters, handwritten by my dear sister but I wanted to put them here so they are more permanent.

Robbie,

I know that lately things have seemed kinda hard and I want you to know how much I love you. If you ever need to talk to me -- you can call me anytime you want. You are so special!

Just a few reasons why I love Robbie:
1. You take very good care of your brothers and always hug them when they need it most.

2. You love your family so much sometimes I think your heart is as big as the ocean.

3. You were my first nephew and when I found out you had been born, I cried, I was so happy!

4. You are very very smart.

I love you Robbie!

Auntie CoCo

A Letter to a Bereaved Family by Ram Dass....

When I was a newly bereaved parent, I was lost. I didn't sleep at nights. I surfed the internet looking for -- *warning* -- pictures of dead babies. Why???? you ask...
Well, because I couldn't look at the pictures of my own dead little girl because I was terrified that she would "look dead." I wanted to remember the way she felt in my arms and how beautiful she looked to me when she was born. During one of these long, lonely, desperate nights, I found KotaPress and Kara. Kara is a bereaved mom who is the person who saved my life. Don't confuse the real people who were there for me...my sisters made life liveable. But, in the middle of the night when I didn't understand how to navigate the waters of losing my baby, Kara was there. It did help that she was on Pacific time. I communicated with Kara via e-mail and through a yahoo group for years. I got through my first Christmas, my first Mother's Day, my first every holiday that year and then the first anniversary of her birth and death. The following letter is read by a bereaved mom in a DVD called "Fierce Grace." Kara posted it on our yahoo group Nov. 1st, 2004. I still have the original print-out because it had such a huge impact on me...

Dear Melanie [I have substituted my name and my daughter's name for the original family's because it helps me],

Lily finished her work on earth, and left the stage in a manner that leaves those of us left behind with a cry of agony in our hearts, as the fragile thread of our faith is dealt with so violently. Is anyone strong enough to stay conscious through such teaching as you are receiving? Probably very few. And even they would only have a whisper of equanimity and peace amidst the screaming trumpets of their rage, grief, horror and desolation.

I can't assuage your pain with any words, nor should I. For your pain is Lily's legacy to you. Not that she or I would inflict such pain by choice, but there it is. And it must burn its purifying way to completion. For something in you dies when you bear the unbearable, and it is only in that dark night of the soul that you are prepared to see as God sees, and to love as God loves.

Now is the time to let your grief find expression. No false strength.

Now is the time to sit quietly and speak to Lily, and thank her for being with you for these past months, and encourage her to go on with whatever her work is, knowing that you will grow in compassion and wisdom from this experience. In my heart, I know that you and she will meet again and again, and recognize the many ways in which you have known each other. And when you meet, you will know, in a flash, what now it is not given to you to know: Why this had to be the way it was.

Our rational minds can never understand what has happened, but our hearts -- if we can keep them open to God -- will find their own intuitive way. Lily came through you to do her work on earth, which includes her manner of death. Now her soul is free and the the love that you can share with her is invulnerable to the winds of changing time and space. In that deep love, include me.

In love,
Ram Dass