This is me...

Being positive.

This is me, doing things that don't come easily to me.

This to me, trusting people. Fallible, imperfect people.

This is me knowing who really loves me, who really would do anything for me.

And, most of all, this is to me, knowing who the most important people in my life are.

Here are just a few...

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

This is what he says when I say I don't want to be friends. I don't want to talk to him or hear his voice on the other end of the phone. I don't even want to read his words.

He says that he loved me more than he has ever loved any woman. Does real love end? I don't think so. Love is patient, it waits for things to change, love is kind -- it makes you make concessions you can't believe you're making, love does not boast, it is not envious, it is not jealous. Love forgives all. Have I ever had this love? This perfect love? Yes, I have sisters.

This is what I have to say.

If you have gold, don't fucking throw it away. It's worth something. It's worth a lot and you don't find it often. So if you throw it away, suck it up and realize you fucked up and don't be so selfish that you ignore the gold's wishes and pleadings. Because, frankly, the gold is worth more than that. And probably worth more than you.

A Day for Dad...

But it turned out to be so much more. Coco and I didn't have our kids (being that we are divorcees now and our kids were with their dads), so we trekked to our baby sister (who clearly isn't a baby anymore and her partner, Mark's home) for dinner and wine and darts and my overwhelming sarcasm.

But, as it goes with family, everything is accepted and overlooked (even while they're calling you out on it). These are 5 people in my life that I'm pretty sure love me as unconditionally as anyone has.

To honor my dad is important. He has given of himself when he didn't have much to give, he has taught me things I didn't think I wanted to know. Most of all, he has tried, always, his hardest. And I can't say that about some people.

I am so proud of my babiest sister for being a lovely host, for making her own wine (which was yummy) and for generally putting up with me.

Moving on...

You know...there are so many times when we think what we're doing is right. We think the sacrifices we make are justified, that the glaring errors we see can be overlooked. It's easy to look into the eyes of someone you have genuinely fallen in love with and lose all ability to reason. I did that. I gave until there was no more to give, I loved until he didn't want my love anymore. No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Believe me, I know that feeling. I've felt that way my entire life. But I don't believe in being the victim (despite what he says), so I'll take responsibility for my part. I wasn't perfect, not even close. But I did love as perfectly as I could.

There are people in my life who will never be capable of thinking of anyone but themselves. That's okay. That isn't my responsiblity. It is my responsibility to be a compassionate, capable woman, a loving, nurturing mother, a supportive sister, a spoiling aunt and, as much as I can, a good daughter. I will do that.

I won't stop loving because loving is difficult and painful and leaves marks. One day, I will find the man my heart longs for...a partner in this life and the next.

Thank you, MT, for teaching me this. For telling me that I am beautiful, for adoring me for a small period of time.